“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never be truly fulfilled.” ~Lao Tzu

There are four aspects of a fulfilling relationship – intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual. It is said that, in order to have a truly fulfilling relationship, your partner needs to be able to meet your needs in these four areas. That’s always made a lot of sense to me. I think we have all been in relationships before where our partners did a great job in one, two, or even three of these areas, but we still didn’t really feel satisfied.

I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships lately; not only relationships with other people, but my own relationship with myself. It’s my belief that you can’t love anyone else more than you love yourself. Therefore, it would be fair to say that you also cannot accept another person if you aren’t accepting of yourself.

The other day, while shopping in one of my favorite local department stores, a realization just came up and popped me in the head. Human beings are a lot like department stores. Our potential relationships – both friendships and romantic relationships – are our shoppers.

One of the things I like about my local Target store is that I can get most of the things that I need there. Better yet, I can’t get EVERYTHING I need there. There are a lot of options available, but not so many that the store is crowded and messy, leaving me searching and never finding what I want. Personally, I want to be this kind of a store. I want to have a nice offering available in my intellectual, physical, emotional and spiritual “departments”. I don’t want to have so much going on in any one of those departments that people can’t even make it through to find out that I have more to offer.

I think that it’s particularly important that we work first to develop a healthy balance in ourselves. We need to find fulfillment without having to look towards others. I believe that God gave us the tools we need to be proficient in all the areas of our lives. Yet so many of us find one aspect of our personality is just more comfortable and put that one area out there for all to see, often while ignoring the other areas completely. That’s like being a department store that only advertises, stocks and updates one department.

It’s normal to be initially attracted to another person based on one thing. Maybe you find them attractive, funny, or intelligent. But whatever it is that attracted you to that person, they need to have more to offer than just that one area if you want to have a fulfilling relationship with them.

I have a close friend who has just recently ended a long term relationship. She was young when she started this relationship. Over the course of years, she was never really encouraged to develop any areas of herself. Because of this, she sees herself as a purely physical being. She is good at giving emotional support to others, but allows people to walk all over her and treat her badly. Although intellectually she knows that she deserves to be treated well and that she is a person of value, she’s having a hard time knowing how to cultivate those traits. Because she lacks a sense of personal value, she has become reliant on other people’s views of her to make her feel fulfilled and worthwhile.

She has made bad choices in people to be around. She is comfortable attracting people with the physical. But since she has lacked the self-confidence she needs to show other aspects of herself, she has manifested people into her life that are only able to relate to her on a physical level. She is like the department store that has only worked on one department, letting the others fall into waste.

The thing is that she actually has great potential in all of her personality “departments”. She is now beginning to see that those things have as much value to the outside world as they do to her. As she continues to grow within herself, taking the time to develop those other areas purely for her own benefit and fulfillment, she is starting to attract people who she can more likely have a fulfilling relationship with.

Bottom line? It’s all well and good to aspire to be this or that. But keep your motivation personal. Don’t make changes for the benefit and fulfillment of others. Make changes for yourself. Once you can find fulfillment within YOU, you’ll be in a better position to know what you want from a relationship and also to contribute to a fulfilling relationship. You don’t have to be all things to all people. Find a good balance for yourself and you’ll attract the right people to you.

Peace.